If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
no, he came in my armpit
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
