We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
