Define "chronic" masturbator.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
how does that bad decision feel?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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