You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
