Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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