I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
