Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
