I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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