i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
