Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
