two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
