Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
