ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
you will always have a special place in my vag
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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