you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize