and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
