The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
