The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize