you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
