life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
