Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
