Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
