no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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