i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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