Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
