Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Floor bacon is actually really good
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