im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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