my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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