Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
