Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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