Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
