I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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