last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I wish there were birth control emojis
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
They have beer where we have blood.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
