FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
