Have you finally orgasmed yet?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize