Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
