That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
