Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
