I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
