Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
