just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
