mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
