The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I think my fart just growled at me.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
