I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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