no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
