Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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