I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize