their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
