Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
