We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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