the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I think a kid would responsible me up
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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