You just made me feel so damn special
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
