sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
