My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
