Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize