I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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