i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
