I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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