I haven't been this sober since birth.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
