when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
