The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
You are a genius and a whore.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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