We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
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