Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
