he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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