Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
