i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
