i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
