So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
