Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
